Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Randomize
