And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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