we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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