You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
