i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
