youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
