I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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