You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize