I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
