i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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