I just saw a hot homeless man
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
