So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
