I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
