Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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