Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
