I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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