I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
