Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
