he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
