nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
