thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
