You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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