I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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