Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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