Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
