I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
