When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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