im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
