you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Ladies don't puke and tell
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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