the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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