Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
