very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
