Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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