Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
How does one acquire holy water?
Enjoy the penises
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
