He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
