if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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