from now on my penis is your penis
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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