Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
