I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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