Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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