the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
