Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
