first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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