The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
