Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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