please come you make the beer taste better
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
