my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
