It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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