I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
