You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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