Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
