I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
