Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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