Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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