My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
operation have a gay friend backfired
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
