all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
