gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
